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Many parents do not know what to do to make our children behave, but where do we fail? How to get children to respect us? The child psychologist, María Luisa Ferrerós, author of the book Punished! Necessary?, proposes ingenious and effective educational alternatives to educate children through a series of practical tips, which have led to his method, the Ferrerós method.
How do we parents fail in the education of our children?
The most important failure is insecurity, not knowing where we are going and trying different things when one does not work the first time. The child notices this insecurity and invites them to behave worse. Another fault we have is that couples do not go as a team. The child understands that what Mommy won't let me do, Daddy does.
How can we discipline children and when should we start setting limits?
We must start, from the first year, to set limits to the child, saying no: 'don't touch, don't go up, don't go down'. It is important that the 'no' is accompanied by a serious face. We think that the child is trying, he is playing with us, but when he sees that before the same thing, you respond in the same way, that no and with a serious face, the child in the end stops doing what he should not.
The limits are interpreted according to your face and your gesture. There are a number of accompanying non-verbal cues that are very important: tone, gravity, firmness, or attitude. Being convinced is the basis for you to transmit it to your child and react positively. To educate you have to start the sooner the better, without postponing because we are planted with a 15-year-old son, and starting from 0 costs a lot.
Can we establish an educational behavior based on the character of the child?
There are children who are very powerful and very strong, who obey drastic limitations, or with whom you have to get very angry for it to take effect. And there are other children who destroy them the same, it depends on the child's sensitivity. That that parents have to be fair and act the same with everyone means that we have to adapt to the sensitivity of each one, their way of being, their fear, their stubbornness.
Children who are very sensitive do not need such harsh punishments, they can do more collaborative things.
Authoritarian, permissive ... what kind of father should we be now?
A flexible parent who adapts to the situation. The extremes are always bad. Too much authoritarianism is just as bad as too much permissiveness. If we look at it, children with real conflicts come from excessively permissive or excessively authoritarian families, therefore, the ideal is to be in the middle.
Should we negotiate with the children? How to make society forget about physical punishment?
I am against corporal punishment, because it doesn't really lead anywhere. Violence generates violence, and we are not doing well there.
To be a firm parent, you do not need to slap him, if you are clear about things and the child does not let one pass, it is not necessary. You need to be convinced and that there are a number of things that are not negotiable and that the child is clear about. But that does not mean that then the child is the king of the house and does what he wants.
One thing is non-violence and another thing is that there are no limits and that the child can do what he wants, and it cannot be done because in society there are limits and there are rules and you are educating these children to live in that society.
What is the key to educating with limits?
You have to stand firm without getting angry, without yelling, you don't have to! If you are clear about things, you don't need all that, you need to read the book, put your batteries in, make things bounce and transmit a lot of security. It is not easy, but it is a question of convincing yourself, of having that mental strength to say: "I will be able to with the children and I am tired of yelling, this is not the way". That the child does one thing because it has a consequence: the children are challenging you all day, "well now I don't love you, I'm going to leave home ...", they are going to tell you everything, but all that are provocations, the child does not think about it, they are looking to see if you stumble. When the child tells you this, you do not have to flinch, you have to give him security without entering his game, you have to think that the child is provoking you, looking to see what your point is and every time he wants something he will use it.
You can read more articles similar to Punishments or boundaries for children, in the category of Punishments on site.